Back when I was at BYU I had this really good friend, Luis. For months he talked about how excited he was that his younger brother was about to get off his mission. I was excited, too, realizing that he had a similar relationship with his younger brother as I did with mine and I was excited to meet him. Well, his brother came to BYU to pay Luis a short visit before heading home with the plan to come back in a month or so to start taking classes there in the winter. Sadly a few weeks later I heard from a mutual friend that Luis' brother was killed in a car accident. I was devastated for Luis and while I couldn't exactly comprehend what he must have been going through I had some idea of the sort of pain I would feel if something had happened to my brother.
So what did I do about it? Nothing.
I am such a wimp when it comes to these sort of things. I have intentions of being the kind of friend I would want in that situation, but then I get so sick and nervous about it that I do nothing. For awhile, while things were still fresh, I actually found myself being "too busy" to really spend much time with Luis and when I did accidently run into him (and trust me I wanted to run the other way) we talked as though nothing had happened.
So my question is, "What are you supposed to say in situations like this?" There have been some more recent events that have prompted this question. And I always hear people say things like, "Oh, when my mother passed away everyone would say..... and it drove me crazy. I know they were just trying to help, but really they just made things worse." I know it's better to do something rather than nothing, but what do you say to either a good friend or maybe even an acquaintance who just lost a child, a parent, or miscarried for the 4th time? I'd really like to know...
7 comments:
sometimes just knowing that you are there for them if they need anything is perfect. When I miscarried it was nice to have a friend that just said "I'm so sorry for your loss, and if there is anything I can do, please ask". I never did ask for anything, that is something you kind of have to go through on your own. I think sending a card with a nice little note is perfect, but that is just me, everyone is different. There are some that need you alot, and others who like to deal with things privately. So, if you know the person well, then you will know what they need.
There is one person you can ask, and that is Heavenly Father. He will guide you to what you should say/do. Good luck with all this.
that is a hard question. I don't really know either. I am a big fan of sending cards, or flowers, or something, and asking Heavenly Father.
I have a situation right now that is a bit awkward like this and I saw the lady yesterday...and I wasn't even sure If she knew that I knew, so pretty much acted like I knew nothing. maybe it was right, maybe it was wrong, I don't know. but I did tell her if she needed anything to call me anytime when she left. who knows if she will.
Commenting on two in a row...I feel like a stalker. :)
It never hurts to say that you know that you are sorry. When my sister had stillbirth at 20 weeks, only 1 person from church ever even acknowledged it--it was horrible for her b/c when she needed people she felt like no one was there. She wasn't even great friends with the one who came over and brought her brownies but she is forever grateful to her. Because of that situation, I'm always quick to at least acknowledge and hug and leave the rest to them.
i think the thing that's the worst thing to say is they're in a better place. they know they are but it still hurts really bad. another one i didn't like I'm sorry for your loss. matthew wasn't lost i knew right were he was.
i think the best was just i'm sorry you have to go through this hard time. another thing was just having someone there to listen to me rant and cry and give hugs was great too.
I find "I'm thinking of you and sorry about what you went through" works well, and an offer to do anything to help. It is hard to know what to do in situations like these and is easier said than done, but knowing someone is there is sometimes all that is wanted or needed. Jaime's right though- Heavenly Father knows exactly what we should do in these situations. Thanks for the post that got me thinking.
-- Melissa
When I had my miscarriage, the best notes were just the "I'm sorry and I will be thinking of you" notes. I kinda hated it when people said they knew what I was feeling-only because everyone handles things differently. That's just me though...and I'm a little strange.
"I am so sorry. I wish I could say something to make things better, but I can't. Just know that I am thinking about you." Sometimes, just: "I am so sorry". I am the master of saying too much trying to say the right thing. but the foregoing are things that have meant a lot to me. Another thing is having the person tell me how highly they thought of the friend or relative that I have lost. In the case of a miscarriage, people tend to say nothing because they didn't see anything lost, but it is a terrible grief. I agree with Cara that a batch of brownies and a hug goes a long way. Divorce is another hard one. I finally have learned to say to the person or persons, "I am so sorry for what you are going through right now."...and then leave it at that.
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